My toddler strategy is basically:
1) “I see you __________. I will not let you ________.” followed by
2) confident action to hold the boundary followed by
3) naming, validating, and holding space for emotions followed by
4) distraction
I find that it helps to remember that to discipline is to teach. So, with angry throwing, my starting point is that I am trying to teach the lesson: do not throw out of anger. Then, remember who I’m dealing with: a young human who lives wholly in the present, and whose impulse control is just barely starting to develop.
I try to always ground my parenting in the notion that my son needs my help dealing with his big feelings. My role is to offer guidance and tools that will help him navigate the tumultuous waters of human experience. He needs to be seen, heard, and understood.
This is what I do for throwing: Immediately intervene. Pick up the toy. Get down on his level, make eye contact.
I see you threw that toy. Are you feeling angry?
If no, go through other feelings —
Are you feeling frustrated? Sad?
Empathize when we identify a feeling that resonates.
I understand why you feel angry/sad/frustrated. This toy is not working the way you expected/wanted it to. Do you need to stomp on the ground/take a deep breath/count to three? Would you like to try again to play with this toy?
Stomp/breathe/count.
Okay. Do you feel better? Now, try again and see if you can make this toy work the way you want it. If it doesn’t work right, let me know. I will not let you throw this toy. It is not for throwing. I am here to help you with this toy if you need assistance.
Stay close.
If he lifts it to throw again, reach out and stop the action before he throws.
I will not let you throw this toy.
Cue crying/tantrum.
I see that you are upset because I will not let you throw this toy. If you want to throw a toy we can get a bouncy ball. I am here for you if you want a hug or milkies.
Stay close. Hold space for the big, unpleasant feelings. Be calm, confident, and connected. Follow his lead for what to do next, play or comfort nurse.
For us at 23 months the tantrums don’t last long. More often than not he’ll nurse for emotional comfort before moving on to do something else, but sometimes we transition directly into a new activity.
Name and validate feelings. Remember that at this age they need help acting intentionally because they are driven by impulse. That means boundaries often have to be physically enforced — with empathy and kindness, of course.
You may think your toddler understands when he can and can’t do things. That’s pretty accurate, but not entirely. From your toddler’s perspective it’s more likely that they understand that there are things you do want themto do and that there are things you don’t want them to do.
They know, for instance, that they can throw a toy, in the sense that they have the capability to do so. At the same time, though, your toddler also discerns that you don’t want them to throw certain toys. From the toddler’s perspective, the boundary is arbitrary, and they need to test a few times whether you, the caregiver, are really going to enforce the boundary.
Boundary testing is what toddlers do with their primary attachment figures. Toddlers want to please and they want to fit in. But they also need to push boundaries to be sure they understand the rules of their culture. They typically follow rules in social situations and push boundaries in one-on-one situations with their primary attachment figure. Because in the presence of a primary attachment figure the toddler feels secure enough to handle the big emotions that accompany boundary testing.
It’s hard for us, the gentle parents. We’re not accustomed to holding space for emotions, especially unpleasant ones. Most of us were not brought up using gentle, respectful parenting, so we are working from a deficit, trying to teach our children emotional skills that are new to us! But for me it’s so helpful, so healing, that it’s well worth the challenge.
